I was not prepared for divorcing a narcissist: aka, my narcissistic husband.
I had no idea I had to, or how to, prepare for divorcing a narcissist…
‘Let us never negotiate out of fear.
John. F. Kennedy
But let us never fear to negotiate.’
Why? I had no idea at the time, that he was a narcissist. All I knew was, he simply HAD to win, however, I didn’t understand to what extent this desire would push him.
I am not ignorant.
In fact, I am an educated woman, a once highly-paid executive in the Financial Markets. By the time I realised I was divorcing a narcissist, it was too late. By this time, I had already handed my financial power over to my ‘Chief Financial Officer’ husband, to control our finances.
WRONG!
My luxurious life as an expat ended overnight, when my husband decided our marriage was over. Our savings account disappeared quicker than I could blink, strategically hidden in off-shore accounts, as I was too trusting! It was here, I realised, I was truely divorcing a narcissist..
That’s why my role is to ensure you don’t make any of the innocent oversights, like I did. My motto is ‘think strategically not emotionally.’ You can deal with emotions after the divorce is final…
My Tips to ensure your future is as abundant as possible, are:
Hire the BEST Lawyer you possibly can.
Don’t scrimp here, as this is an investment in your future. Think of this like you do any other investment, and the ROI (Return on the Involvement) will be worth every cent, as the ROI is your future. The outcome of your Divorce decides what your future will look and feel like in every possible way.
Before you file for Divorce, ensure you copy all assets & important documents.
If you have been extremely trusting and left the finances up to your husband, you need to get to work now. You must ensure you know all assets, property, shares, anything that either one of you own. This is regardless of whose name the asset is in.
- Documents relating to purchase of real Property.
- Share Documents
- Any financial mortgages – Lines of Credit.
- All Bank Accounts, whether they are in joint names or not.
- Superannuation Accounts.
- Recent pay stubs if employed.
- Tax Returns – past 3 years minimum.
- Insurance Papers.
- Vehicle registrations papers.
- Airline frequent flyer numbers.
- Birth Certificates, Marriage Certificate.
- Passport.
- Documents relating to purchase of real property
There are phone apps available, (e.g. Microsoft OneNote) where you take a photo of a document and its uploaded to a cloud based storage service.
Once in the cloud, I suggest making further copies to other 3rd party accounts for security. In Australia, a financial planner can securely hold copies of all these documents under a regular client privacy agreement.
Open an Armageddon Fund.
If you do not have access to all funds, this is a critical MUST.
Open this account with a completely new financial institution, that neither of you have dealt with before. Set up all communication to be by email and link to your secure email address and your new mobile phone number if you have one.
Don’t make transfers to this account from any accounts that are visible. Use a trusted third party, or cash if necessary.
Don’t be concerned that you can be accused of stealing. Tell your lawyer what you have taken, so that it can be treated as part of the common asset pool during the division of financial assets.
I particularly recommend this to expatriate women dependant on their husbands for all their income. You must begin to add as much money to your account as you can, slowly but constantly.
What else?
If you don’t have access to all funds this is Financial Abuse, and your partner will only increase their financial control if they suspect you are going to leave them.
If you need any further guidance and if you are thinking of divorcing your partner who you may feel is a narcissist, please reach out to me at any time.
Your future depends on making the best and wisest decisions today for your amazing tomorrow.
About The Author – Megan Holgate
My life had been pretty easy. Growing up in a beachside suburb of Sydney, attending an all-girls private school, life was fun, bright and easy.
Falling in love, and moving to London with my husband, where both of our careers in Banking, life truly was golden. Fast forward a few years, and as a new mum, I didn’t expect to be sitting on the Qantas plane alone, cradling my eight-week old baby — my marriage and career in tatters. Yet that’s exactly where I found myself, at 29, indescribably crushed.
Before everything came tumbling down, I had been living a priviledged expatriate life in Hong Kong. Married to a successful investment banker and was excelling in my career in Banking. Like so many of these stories, it was a picture-perfect life, until it wasn’t …
My husband went on to become the global CFO of a world-renowned bank, I lost much more than just my marriage.
After 25 years in the the financial markets, and the experiences I went through, I never wanted another woman to experience the trauma, the pain, the sub-optimal outcome that I did from divorcing a narcissist.
I took this experience coupled with my personal learning’s, to create my Divorce & Narcissistic Recovery Business. I understand every step of this process, and through my coaching I will help deliver the results you deserve.