Mum, What Does Anal Mean?

I’m proud to say my son can ask me anything. The last couple of months we have established a very strong bond of trust.  Whatever it is, I won’t look at him with horror, I won’t lash out and demand where he heard that word.

I’ve been asked what rape means, I’ve had questions about sex and pregnancy. I have even been questioned about the “C” word. So why was I not prepared to be asked about the word Anal? I have no idea.

It happened like this.

It was late, I was tucking him into bed. I felt tired and frazzled as the School holidays got off to a premature start, Thanks, cyclone Debbie, you temperamental mole.

My son, normally a hurricane of pubescent grouchiness, turns on his sweet voice. “Mum, I want to ask you something, but I’m embarrassed”.

I summon my inner Carol Brady. “Darling, you know you can tell me anything“.

He says he knows this, but he still feels embarrassed. I told him he’s much better off asking me because if he tries to figure out whatever it is another way (Did not mention Google, totally meant Google), he could become misinformed.

He nods…”What does Anal mean?”

I die. I die without letting him know I’m dead. My hands go numb, where’s the blood in my hands gone? Is it travelling to my head at a rate my body won’t survive?

Am I having a panic attack, a heart attack or are my lungs collapsing? I pull my shit together real quick because he’s looking concerned.

Shit.

Why couldn’t he ask about Lesbians? No. we’ve been there already.

Okay, so I soften the conversation with the definition of Anal. To be Anal about something. To want things perfect, to want things clean, in order.

To be “Anal about something” is to annoyingly want perfection. He says to me “Oh, I’m Anal then”….*insert depressing sad face emoji*

This is not going how I expected, yes my son is Anal.

But judging by the initial question, wherever he heard Anal from clearly was not the intended meaning. He chimes in “What else?”. He’s not stupid, he knows I’m dodging the real question.

I cringe and for some reason, I have a visual picture of a human starfish…..*gross*.

I explain the meaning of Anal using it in context.

“Son, an anal passage is a…”. He announces over the top of me “Someone’s butthole!”.

Oh, it’s a verbal exam now, great.

I’m surprised he didn’t put his hand up first. I actually thought he was satisfied because he seemed content. Until I went to say goodnight.

He explained to me that when he heard it, he didn’t feel like it was in the context I explained. I died again. In what situation was “Anal” being used in the “other” context and why was my son in attendance.

I had to spill the beans, well kinda.

I explained to him if someone were to perhaps put something in the “Anal Passage” it would be considered as Anal.

This was not very well thought out, downright stupid response and opened up way too many questions and eventually, my sons face realised what “Anal” was without me having to mention the Big D.

Another defining parenting moment in the history book of my life.

His facial expression was pretty much like this….